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Please give a short bio of yourself for our readers. In my diary, I like to go by the name Smartie. I rarely reveal my real name to anyone because I just like the sense of secrecy. I was born on Halloween in 1984 making me a sixteen year old female going on 17 in about nineteen days. Marching and concert band are what take up most of my time away from school. When I'm not doing some sort of band (which is generally a rare occasion) you can find me bowling at the bowling alley or working at K-Mart. If there was a name for that happy spot between lesbian and bi, that would be me. I am always trying to get someone to laugh--if I can get a group of people laughing, it leaves me with a sense of accomplishment. I've lived in the same town in the same state of Illinois since the beginning of time, and I hope to one day live somewhere outside this comfortable bubble I know as my home, and experience anything and everything as soon as I possibly can. Why did you choose this username? To be honest, this was my second choice. I wanted to use JellyBean6903, but it was already taken. I had to come up with another candy that I don't usually eat, but like the sound of...hence the name Smartie. Although most people take the 69 in some perverted way...I choose it because that was my number in band for two years in a row and that happens very rarely. The 03 stands for the year I graduate. Put all that together...Smartie6903. Why do you keep a diary online? I have the absolute hardest time writing every night in a diary. I might do it for a while, but then I lose the will, and stop writing for a couple months. I get on the computer darn near everyday, so having a diary here was just convenient. Also, when I started it, I was having real problems dealing with the fact that I was gay. I finally admitted it to myself, but I wasn't really sure what to do with myself. It's really just an outlet. If I have things to get off my chest, I can rant and rave all I want and not really worry about what people have to say because I don't know a single one of them. Plus...having a diary online is an awesome way to keep away the eyes of people who have no business reading my personal thoughts. How important do you think a layout is for a web-based diary? Would you also comment on yours? In my opinion, it's not critical to have some special layout for me to read the diary. Admittedly, it's the layout that will initially attract me to the diary, but if there are tons of misspelled words and fragmented sentences, I probably won't be around there for very long. All I'm looking for is something interesting to read without having to decipher what is actually supposed to be typed...having an awesome layout is just a great plus to the diary. My layout started out as a plain old template. With the help of a friend named Seregil, I got a layout that is absolutely beautiful. I got the idea from another diary I saw...and kind of changed it so that it fit my persona. I looked all over for the perfect picture, and as soon I saw the two women together, I knew that it was right. I was hoping to get my layout to in some way resemble my personality, and I think that was accomplished with flying colors. You talk openly about being gay. Share with us, when you knew, and was it hard coming out? It wasn't like I woke up one morning and all of the sudden BAM! I like women. All my life, I've been attracted to women. I just never realized that I wanted to be with a woman until about the summer after my freshmen year. I became VERY close friends with a girl named Elisa. Without going into too many details, Elisa and I did things with each other that I've never done with any other girl. And from that summer on, I just knew that I liked women a lot more than men. As for coming out, it's one of the most stressful things to do. First, I am always worried about how I'm going to be treated after I tell a person. Second, with all my trust issues, I have to know that the person I tell is going to keep it to themselves. (that's definitely not the same for everyone, just how it is for me). The first person I told was my best friend. I was so scared she'd shun me, that I told her online. After her initial shock subsided, we talked for another five hours on the phone and everything returned to normal. So far, everyone that I've told has been very supportative and very good about keeping it to themselves. I doubt however, that I will tell my family any time soon. Although I hate to keep secrets from them, I am not totally sure of myself yet, so there's no reason to set anything in stone yet. What is it that you "really really" want out of your life? This one is easy. I want to be completely out in the open about who I am with absolutely everyone I know, and not be treated like some kind of plague. I absolutely hate having to lie to people I love, and to be completely honest without judgement is all that I could ever ask for. If I could have something after that...I'd really really want Catherine Zeta-Jones to come to my door and be like..."Is Smartie home?" :) Tell us why you are in awe of today's children? Maybe I was just sheltered as a kid, but the stuff going on now completely blows my mind. I see kids in elementry school smoking during recess, going to the movies in skimpy shirts with no bras, and talking about sex as if they were my age. I still get surprised when I see someone my age smoking a cigerette, so when I see some 11 year old kid lighting up, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't smoke, never tried any kind of drug, and drank maybe three times (never getting drunk.) These kids are doing this stuff before they hit their teenage years while I haven't done any of it and I'm almost 17--that puts me in awe. We all feel dorky from time to time. When do you feel the dorkiest? I had to contemplate this question for a while, but I know exactly when I feel the dorkiest. At the beginning of each school year, it's inevitable that one or more of my teachers will make the class stand up and describe some of our hobbies. I feel so stupid when I say "I bowl, and I'm in band." because let's face it, they're definitely not the coolest sports around. Kids these days are always judging everyone else, and if you're not with the in-crowd, then you're bound to feel like a moron. Although I feel guilty for not being proud of my hobbies, when I'm standing in front of my class with them just staring at me wondering why I would ever want to be band, I can't help but to feel like a big geek. However, I'd just like to say, while those kids are off being in their in-crowd of saying bowling is not a sport, and making fun of band geeks...I'm out there getting the tan of my life while hopefully getting a scholarship to college. In the end, as long as I've got my friends and family, nothing else matters. Interviewed by Trinity63
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