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Please give a short bio of yourself for our readers. A bio of myself... Let's see... I'm 31, live in the most beautiful place on earth, Long Beach, Washington, and I will some day be Queen of the World. Well, okay, all but the last part are true. I was born in Ohio and moved to Washington State when my Mom married my step-father. I grew up in small towns and was home-schooled for a large part of my life. At 17 I started attending Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle, Washington, as a Classical Voice major. Within a year and a half I'd had a complete emotional break down (social/culture shock as primary cause), moved back in with the folks and started at Pacific Lutheran University in Tacoma, Washington. I spent a year there before giving up on life in general and school in specific. Over the past 14 years I "dissuaded" a would-be rapist, had my heart played with, bombed out of two colleges, did my best to commit suicide (it should have worked, I honestly and truly don't know how I am still alive), got un-officially engaged, canceled the engagement due to the groom's death, sang at his funeral, as well as my grandfather's (both within two months), got engaged again, had my apartment and four years of writing destroyed in a flood, had a nasty, nasty auto wreck (head-on impact with a KenWorth semi (18-wheeler)) got divorced, had my heart shattered into a million pieces (not the ex) and finally grew up some. As it sits now, I'm pulling my life back together, attempting to shed the excess weight, getting my head on straight and start working again so as to make an "honest" living. *Smirks* And that's my life story in as compact a form as this verbose Fatal Tiger can tell it! *winks* Why did you choose this username? Mmmmm, this username. Weeeeeelll... To be honest, it is a combination of two character names. Since I started on-line life Role Playing in Yahell Chat, my first real pseudonyms were for RP characters. My favorite, and the character which got me through all the hell of the last year of my marriage was Burnt Tiger. Burnt because I was feeling really burned out and Tiger because tigers are my favorite animal. The second part of the name came from my most recent, at the time, character, Mistress Cruelty Fatalis. (A not-quite-willing Toreador vamp from Vampires: the Masquerade... long story) I thought the two names sounded cool together so I changed the spelling of tiger to keep the flow, ya know. Thus, TigreFatalis, the Fatal Tiger, was born. *Chuckles* Or something. Why do you keep a diary on-line? Two reasons, mainly. First, because Preacher Bob (Pennywise, Affemann, Flatline, Deus-Atrox) with whom I used to RP, told me that I had to. He worked on me, cajoling, begging and sometimes ranting at me, for nearly a month before I finally capitulated and started a D-land diary. The second reason is one that I've sort of morphed into. I write on-line because writing is necessary to my survival. If I don't write, I shut down and close off until I'm nothing but a body taking up space. And, that writing is on-line because I am desperately in need of validation. If someone reads what I've written and comments on it, that means I have lived yet one more day. It means that my nearly 10-year depression didn't win! How important do you think a layout is for a web-based diary? Would you also comment on yours? Important? If you're talking about layout vs entry kind of stuff, not very. Telling? Very. The diary, whether consciously intended or not, is an opportunity for the reader to crawl inside the diarist's mind, sit a while and watch the things going around in there. The layout is often a reflection of that mind just as the words are. Those with flashy layouts (lots of color/light/attention grabbing stuff) seem to be those of the attention hound, the person who desperately wants someone to watch them whether they're saying something of merit or not. Kind of like a carnival barker seeking his mark. The diaries with well planned and graphic layouts which aren't flashy, show a more intricate mind. It shows that appearance is important to the diarist, whether or not anyone else will see it. And, it generally indicates that the person is largely a perfectionist. Those diaries with trashy-looking layouts... those that are cluttered with tons of links all over the place, millions of different font styles and tons of colors, tend to indicate a mind of confusion. It seems to say that the diarist doesn't know exactly what they're thinking at any given time. And then, there's my diary. Currently my layout shows that I am compartmentalizing my head-space... there is a section of my mind dedicated to being messy (the links) and a section dedicated to figuring out what the hell I mean (the entry). And then whatever is left gets pushed to the bottom. I wouldn't be surprised if all my readers knew me better than I know myself. I always seem to be the last person to understand what I mean. *Chuckles* You talk about your weight matter-of-factly and often poke fun at your size. I found your attitude about being overweight similar to many others I've heard before. You appear to hold the extra weight as a barrier between you and the rest of the world. Would you agree or disagree? I would agree whole heartedly. Of course, six months ago I would have disagreed with you simply because I didn't want to think about it in any way, shape or form. *Rolls her eyes* I am humiliated and disgusted by my size. I hate it. I see my fat as a thing which is so repulsive that sometimes it takes extreme will power to keep from retching. Since I am both tall (6'1") and fat (400) there isn't much I can do to hide from people. So, I place my opinion of myself upon other people, telling myself that I can't be loved, adored, enjoyed, liked, respected or... well... happy. And I tell myself that other people have the same opinion of me. I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to change my opinion of myself. And, I suppose, part of the reason I write on-line is because it is a way of sharing my soul with people directly without having to see their looks of horror when they see how fat and repulsive I am. It doesn't matter at all that people don't think I'm repulsive. I think I'm repulsive. My own self image keeps me safe. It keeps me lonely, but I can deal with that part. Being lonely is easier to deal with than opening my heart to someone else just so they can rip me to shreds. I've had enough pain. If you hate me, don't read me. I don't have to see you looking away when you're only a grouping of pixels. Who is very important to you and why? As tacky as it may seem... God. There are physical people who are important to me, my Mom, Charles, Russell. But lately I've been feeling really... withdrawn? No... I feel the only one I can actually trust is God. I respect and admire many people. I appreciate and love a couple people. But I don't trust them. *Smiles apologetically to Charles and Russell* I just.... Perhaps it's just because winter is approaching (seasonal depression?), but I just don't trust anyone anymore. It hurts too much. God is the only one who is always "there". He is the only one who loves me unconditionally. No matter what. And, I know that I will never find that in anyone/thing else. It's easier for me to rely on the only thing that's "sure" in my life, than to risk someone who isn't quite as perfect as I'd like them to be. You have been writing fiction for 15 years. Have you published anything in print or do you hope to do so in the future? Heh. I haven't gotten paid for anything I've written. I have had two songs (piano scores) published, a few stories and poems here and there, but nothing I ever got paid for. Nothing that anyone would actually recognize either. *Chuckles* I had a humor column, briefly, published in a mass-production E-zine. I publish my own Christian Newsletter monthly, but it's small circulation (friends and family). And, I still don't charge for that. However, I am currently in the process of writing a book. A fictional work which is complete, in that there is a beginning, middle and end. (And epilogue) I'm in the process of editing that (thanks for the intelligent critique, Charles) and I have every intention of submitting it for publication. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that I actually get paid for that one! *grins* You run the fun and popular OddGoogle project. What gave you the idea for it? Actually, I don't run it. Belle actually started the thing. AND, does an absolutely fantastic job at it, I must say. I'm just the assistant. And, it's been a long while since I've posted a new entry, specifically because someone left a message on the OddGoogle message board saying that since I took over the site just got worse and worse. That's one of those "I was rejected, therefore I will crawl back into my shell and pretend I was never there." Situations. However, now that you've reminded me, I should go and post a new entry. I really do think that Belle is awesome. It was definitely an incredible site and she deserves many, many, many accolades. And, if I did make it worse... *hangs her head in mock-shame, mumbling* I'm sorry. *Clears her throat* Okay, I'm back! What is the most amazing sensory experience you have ever had? *smiles softly* Well, I'm not sure if this qualifies, as my first instinctive reply was "an orgasm?", but since I've never had one of those... Erm, anyway. The most amazing? *Smiles tenderly* Hands down, no holds barred, nothing else could ever, ever, ever compare. The first time I ever heard Andrea Bocelli! It was the Spring after my divorce, I'd say about March or so of 99. I was still pretty enmeshed in my "I hate the world so frag off and die, B!t@#" depression. I hadn't truly sung with any passion for about 10 years or so. Had completely lost track of any and all musical passion. I was sitting there with my folks, eating dinner. Mom had been raving about this singer she'd heard. She put the CD in and turned it up. I kept eating through the first half of the first song. Then something changed. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why. But about half way through that first song I froze in place. I closed my eyes and for the next 45 minutes I was completely immobilized. I could feel every single breath in that man's voice. I could feel his soul. I could feel every single note as if it had been borne of my body. I could hear his soul in that pure, complete, whole and awesome voice. I didn't understand a single word, but I understood. I completely understood who and what Andrea Bocelli was. And is, for that matter. I woke up that night. I got my first taste of true, unadulterated, complete and total passion in more than a decade. I knew him. And, what's more... He knew me. He knew every part of me. That, my friends, is what true passion is all about. That is power. Tears cascading down my face, all I could hear, see, feel, think was that music. Andrea Bocelli isn't just a singer. He is music. Interviewed by GingerBug
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